Lulled by the gentle sound of Lovage, I am munching on my nails. What a disgusting image.

I spent today knitting 8 long, tedious petals to assemble into a flower. When it came time to assemble, I was once faced with the fact I suck at refinishing things. It still amazes me that I put this much effort and time into anything, let alone a craft. The only thing I have stuck longer with is Ben. And smoking, but I gave that up (another amazing thing…). I have petals scattered all over the desk and no will to put them together. Sounds pretty much like my life so far.

My mother is getting her surgery on Tuesday. I am glad she decided to fight. Again. I am tired, I cannot even imagine how she’s feeling. And so next week starts my life with a mom in the hospital. So far, despite my mom’s 4 cancers, I’ve been "spared". First due to age and the idiot idea that it’d be better for me not to see (which, I think, has made me the runner-in-the-opposite-direction that I am) and the other three times due to location (location location). I have to learn to drive her car, learn to get there and learn to get back. It’s sad that I stress about that. I am so selfish sometimes I wonder. 

It hurts to think. I will postpone that until tomorrow.
 

I cannot stop listening to this CD. And why would I?

I woke up so early (in Carla terms…) to the news my dryer is being delivered tomorrow. I am beyond excited. Tomorrow is also the day we get rid of our old, dirty dirty armchair and bookshelf. I want this apartment to be 100% done, or at least a comfortable 90% (we all know I’d settle for a 50%…). I need to be settled and sitting pretty. We hung pictures over the weekend (well, the 3 that Ben could muster before feeling flustered and overworked) and it already makes a difference. In my head, I know where most everything goes, but like the most perverse puzzle, I need for A to be settled before B and C can be worked on and allow D to find its proper resting spot. Work that x the entire alphabet and you’ll soon realize how messed up this is. Tomorrow I get the dryer and that’s a mess I can get rid of. Yoo! 

I got in touch with Ciccio from my Radio Deejay past and he might be coming to Rome soon. I spent so much time talking to him back in the day, it feels weird to have him back in my life. It’s fun (did I mention I’m perverse?) how all these people remind me of the funner, better Carla. And I know how it’s much easier for the past to be better (really good at skimming out the crap), but that part of my past was truly exciting and strange. Happening, to say the least. And now that I’m back in the civilized world, I’m ready to make this time even more exciting and interesting. + I have an awesome partner in crime who doesn’t have any shame (reason #198948734 why I love him). 

Yesterday we went to the American/Australian SnB in Trastevere and I had a bunch of fun. The place is laid back and cozy (if a bit loud) and the people were welcoming, to say the least. I love the fact Ben could interact too, I can’t imagine how in need of it he must be, seeing as I am the only English speaking idiot he hangs out with all day.  We were there for 3 hours and they flew. We finally left because we would’ve eaten the couch otherwise.

And now to Ikea I go.  

1) I hate the fact OH has ruined my ability to be sociable. Before, I used to be able to fearlessly chat up a table, now I fear rejection more than I fear bad breath. I miss the part of me that didn’t give a crap and I find this lil Miss Scared that it was replaced with quite irritating. I want so desperately to make new friends and have a life outside my apartment, that sometimes I kick myself (metaphorically, because I’m sure I’d end up breaking something otherwise) for not just throwing myself into the midst. I have spent some time apart from Ben this weekend and I love the feeling of coming home to tell him about it. I love that there are parts of my life he doesn’t know, but that I very gladly share (given my supreme gift for synthesis and analysis…NOT). I need to find a job and I need to find something to do. I keep thinking about enrolling into University again and I need to go talk to someone. The problem is that I still don’t know (14 years later) what I want to do with my life. And so I drift and I apply for easy/vague jobs that a monkey could do, but that I’m frequently not qualified or too old for. I’m hoping to get out of this empasse and finally start something. Tomorrow I will call that one dream job and ask about it. And then pine a little. And then call up Manpower and force them to find me a job.

I wish I had some ambition. I wish I wasn’t so whiny. Sheesh! 

(The title is courtesy of Ben and it, also, is our best advice on how to make a marriage last: whoever says Yo Mama first, wins.)

It’s 3:29am and I am not even in the least tired. If it didn’t mean having to get dressed, I’d take Ben and the scooter out for a spin. I am itching to do that, but again, I cannot be bothered to wear pants, let alone a proper shirt. I cannot wait to see Rome properly and in all its glory. I think we’re finally ready to start living. Having a job and the money to do so would be even better, but we don’t want to get carried away. Tomorrow I’m heading to the Roman SnB all by my lonesome. I am excited beyond belief. I will miss the Ben-jammin’s skillful and masterful square knitting, but we’re trying to be proper, so he won’t come.

I spent the afternoon with Anna, Rachele, Ben and my mom. We knit some, crochet some more and chatter abounded. I cannot wait until Ben understands Italian and can appreciate these people to their fullest. Until then he has to keep saying that No, he’s not bored and pretend that’s actually true. At least, for him, there was awesome food.  I love these people. They’re pretty much the family I’m usually pining after. 

Oh, to have a blog and not have a life. It is a painful occurrence.  

I had quite the birthday. It all started at 7am when, in a moment of foresight, I realized it had to be later than what my alarm claimed and I threw myself out of bed. I braved the cold and made it to the Roman BMV. I practiced the obstacle course with my scooter and tried to find the happy place everyone’s talking about* and calm myself down. We had to wait forever and, being I extra special and with a surname that starts with Z, even longer. I passed my obstacle course and made friends with either an Albanian or a Polish guy. What the idiots at the BMV want is for someone to take them in a car to follow after the scooter-driving, test-taking people, what they failed to mention was exactly that. Now, I had no one accompanying me and they would only allow two people to go on every excursion, so my foreign friend had the genius idea of calling a cab and taking the examiners out on the road in style. He paid for it and was very chivalrous about it, I took it like the Baroness I am. Once we arrived we found out that the BMV people would tell us the results in the end. After everyone, and their slow ass cousin, was done. That took forever, and being I extra special and with a surname that starts with Z, even longer. We all passed! I scootered back home and I was devastated, not just by nervous pee, but by all the tension that I had accumulated. Ben made me an extra special birthday lunch consisting of Italian (how a propos!) dressing chicken and mashed potatoes. Yumm!

Then we left the safety and heat of the homestead to go meet my mom for her MRI. We then proceeded to follow her home and spend a very cozy evening. Having both my mom and Ben around for my birthday made me extra tingly.

I’m now home and I have my bobblehead suit on because I am so tired I can’t keep my head straight. And I really want to shower. And yet I’d rather MY day didn’t end, so I’m going to keep milking it for all it’s worth. I want to get up when I just can’t have another minute of sleep tomorrow. I do need to send my secret pal exchange yarn thing. And I had forgot all about the Roman S’n'B happening on Saturday. And now to shower I must go.

*I found it fit to turn the "One day at a time" AA motto into "One thing at a time" today. It’s tragic when a day is so full of anxiety and crap that you need to start sorting it out by things… Such is life. Such is my life anyway. 

It is cold. We’re all curled up and covered in layers and regretting having cats that don’t know how to use a toilet (or refuse to wear diapers). *gets mental image of Chubby wearing diapers and melts in puddle of awwww*

I spent the morning at Matelda’s apartment keeping her company, which mainly consisted of watching tv with her. Not as fun as one would think (if anyone would think that was fun). Upon my return, Matt (freshly back from Japan and all their real Itarian food…) told me the following phrase: "Your candy is like 9/11 to me". I think that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. We’re totally gonna 9/11 that.

Tomorrow I have a busy day, what with all the helmet buying and scooter fixing and dinner eating. All of it with Angela. Sadly, I haven’t spent much time away from Ben lately and the thought of not eating a meal and watching "Weeds" with him is somewhat terrifying. What a pathetic co-dependent being I am. Oh! I also have to mail my secret swap yarn doodle-doo! I bought so much yarn and I hope she likes it. I will include some tea and I was thinking of including some xmas chocolate to perpetuate the addiction. I don’t think it’d be a problem to mail something with this cold we’ve been having.

My fingers are frozen stiff. Bed calls.

Today we moved the cat litter box from one balcony to the other. We have to idiotcatproof every balcony before allowing the furries to go on it, because they’re not actually in the running for a MENSA membership (well, the Chubby and Fluffy one aren’t, LilHo could actually outsmart a Nobel prize winner). So now I’m on alert and jumping at every sound that comes from the balcony. I never even worried about the possibility of a cat falling off the 2nd floor when Puccio was alive, but I either turned into an overprotective mother, or the fact the one cat already fell out the window was the wake up call I needed (or not, do I really need to worry about it?). The problem with things like that is that you can’t worry about it later, because later there is a cat splattered on the pavement.

Speaking of anxiety and my multi-faceted talent at coming up with things… I didn’t get the 2 month gig job and I still haven’t heard back from that one job I obsess about. I finished a hat and started on a scarf, though. Tomorrow I get to clean up and make room for my new dryer.

Ben is mad at me today and that sends me into a sort of shock. The guilt of making Mr. Cool mad is too much! Now I will adopt my distraction tactic and try to make him forget what an idiot I am. Maybe he’ll fence up my bathroom too, so I don’t clumsily fall in the toilet or something.

For today, though, idiots win.

To say I got rained on today would be an understatement of the biggest proportions. If squeezed, I could’ve produced enough water to sustain myself for a week. If squeezed, I could’ve mayhaps flooded a valley or two. It hailed. In Rome. On me. I got to my interview and couldn’t take off my sweater for fear of revealing more than should be revealed on a first date. Or ever. Anyway, I am hoping to get this job because it would seriously rock my tiny, insignificant world. And, it’s decent money.

Other than freezing to death, I didn’t do much. I met up with Donna Matelda and we chatted a bit, in the rain (today’s fil rouge…). Oddly enough, I feel an affinity to her at this point in our lives that I hardly feel with anyone else. It’s the fact we’re both only children and that we both have reckless mothers who do crazy things. I cannot even fathom losing the one person in the world who is "contractually obliged" to love me and this, I think, is not easy to understand for someone who has brothers or sisters. Or sanity. Sometimes I turn zen and accept life. Other times I realize what I’m doing and immediately revert to the comfort and familiarity of blinding anxiety. Come to mama!

Tomorrow I interview for another job and have not even looked at Access (one of the requirements). I am dumb.

Ben keeps half-singing to David Bowie and it’s very distracting. In that "boy, he rocks" (or "boy who rocks") kinda way. I should write him a letter. When I’m hormonally crazy I usually write him letters. Or smother him to death. I bet he likes the letters more.

After spending the whole evening shivering, I am now having hot flashes. *pant* 

I need to stop applying for every job that falls under my eyes. Now that I decided to up the bar a little from OMG, I’d rather die to OMG, I might survive the threat level is orange. I also decided that applying for anything I think I could do does not equal being able to do it. All this to say that I have an interview on Friday and I am thrilled at the possibility (corp offices in London, baby!) and appalled at my inadequacy. Not that I care, I’d rather they found out later than admit there’s something I can’t do. Tomorrow I have a different interview, it has already been postponed twice, so they’re already my kind of people: procrastinators. I am just hoping it won’t rain, or I will have to ruin their rugs and carpeted chairs with my drippy self.

In my creative news: I made another amigurumi. This time it turned into a pig, although I started with the idea of making an octopus. Then my fetish veered me into pigs. I cannot escape them! I joined a secret pal thingiemajig and I cannot wait to be paired with someone and go shopping. I just hope the Italian PS doesn’t cheat someone out of their surprise. Now that wouldn’t surprise me. Oh, Carla, stop. You kill!

I still haven’t called back the language school that called me and denied having even received my resume when I called back. 

It’s my birthday in 8 (actually 7) days and I am looking forward to my driving license and the ability to swoosh around Rome with Ben behind me, holding on for dear life. I cannot wait to finally start enjoying this city like it deserves: not from a bus (however I admit I will miss the thrill of having a bus pass).

Oh routine, why must you hurt me so? I had a slight delay in waking up this morning. I still managed to brush my teeth as soon as I got out of bed which is something that, I’m ashamed to say, doesn’t happen much around here. I was supposed to head out to an interview, but it got postponed. And yet, in an effort to keep it interesting, I kept my pants on. It is rare, nowadays.