1) I hate the fact OH has ruined my ability to be sociable. Before, I used to be able to fearlessly chat up a table, now I fear rejection more than I fear bad breath. I miss the part of me that didn’t give a crap and I find this lil Miss Scared that it was replaced with quite irritating. I want so desperately to make new friends and have a life outside my apartment, that sometimes I kick myself (metaphorically, because I’m sure I’d end up breaking something otherwise) for not just throwing myself into the midst. I have spent some time apart from Ben this weekend and I love the feeling of coming home to tell him about it. I love that there are parts of my life he doesn’t know, but that I very gladly share (given my supreme gift for synthesis and analysis…NOT). I need to find a job and I need to find something to do. I keep thinking about enrolling into University again and I need to go talk to someone. The problem is that I still don’t know (14 years later) what I want to do with my life. And so I drift and I apply for easy/vague jobs that a monkey could do, but that I’m frequently not qualified or too old for. I’m hoping to get out of this empasse and finally start something. Tomorrow I will call that one dream job and ask about it. And then pine a little. And then call up Manpower and force them to find me a job.

I wish I had some ambition. I wish I wasn’t so whiny. Sheesh! 

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