I’m sure it’s a rare phenomenon, I’m sure I have it in spades. I’ll be sitting on (or swallowed by) my couch and all of a sudden the nausea comes in waves and, like a dog in a car, I suddenly need the wind in my face, my tongue flapping in the breeze. Fortunately there are windows around the house and I’m always just a turn of the knob away. I think my brain is slowly leaking out and causing me all these inconveniences. My nightmares are back and they have hit a degree of cruelty that is pretty much at beating-baby-seal-with-club level. I’m actually amused at the different layers of cruelty I seem to bestow upon myself. There’s an in-your-face one, a slightly more subtle one and then the flat out passive aggressive underlying one. My favorite dream is the one in which I go to my favorite restaurant (where I’ve been trying to go for months now, actually) with 3 friends*. The lady that owns the restaurant, who used to be my friend and quite a large woman, is now a snooty skinny bitch. After the first course I excuse myself and go to a room nearby, where I lay in bed and then fall asleep. I wake up to find out the meal’s over and done with and when I ask my friends why they didn’t wake me up, they quite flatly reply they didn’t even notice I was gone. You see all these levels of hatred? Must be all those years of thinking myself the coolest, they’ve come back to kick me in the ass. And sadly, my resolution of enjoying things more has kind of failed from the start. I am holding onto all this resentment and not enjoying the right now as much as I should. I saw Angela tonight and I just sit there and stew. I resent not being her best friend anymore. I resent just being a friend. That’s not what I’m looking for, I had that in Ohio and I didn’t care much for it. And so instead of working on it, I just revert even more into myself. And what have we learned from my dreams? That’s the one place I should be running from as far as possible. It’s the dark house in the middle of the forest, when your car has broken down and you’re a pretty girl with tight clothes and too much faith in humankind. You will get brutally killed. And probably in the first 5 minutes of the movie.

At least the sushi was good.

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