If I had to think of a headline to depict me, that would be exactly it.

And, sure, I haven’t killed anyone. But the yet is still looming all over that statement. I think this rage is the price I pay for being able to lead a normal life no matter what fucked up thing goes on inside of me. And I use the term normal very loosely. I have my rage with me at all times. And, during the past week, I’ve had crazy whiny Carla to keep me company too.

I blame the hormones and find comfort in it. The hormones turn me into a whiny sissy who goes from crippling insecurity to flat out paranoia. I have, like everyone else, I assume, latent self-loathing that keeps me in check when I start to think too highly of myself. Sometimes the self-loathing gets tired of its ever-present-yet-not-so-center-stage self and comes out like the prima donna it can be. And there begins my stupid hell. I start hating myself and transferring that hatred onto other people, so suddenly they all hate me too. And oh. And boo. And while this phase might trigger, in healthy people, some initiative to change the things that so prominently they hate about themselves. This phase does nothing but validate my insecurities and I end up throwing an endless pity party for myself. I am slowly creeping out of this mood, but it takes me those five endless days to rid myself of it. I now don’t have to ask Ben what’s up with us every 12 seconds. I don’t have to interpret everything he does as a sign of impending doom. And I, especially, don’t have to weep watching documentaries about parrots (true story). I hate thinking when I’m like this, because I can’t discern insanity from truth. 

Lately I have a bunch of friends who are going through some horrible heartbreak. They’re stuck in relationships with, and I say this without any bias, jerks. There’s one dilly-dallying and leading on 2 people with stories of love and being unable to decide whom he loves the most, while he goes out hitting on a third gal. There’s another one who just dropped off the face of the earth and hasn’t called in a month and a half. And there’s the third that is not able to commit or make a decision in any sense. My friends are clearly heartbroken and confused and tell me about their men. And I, the selfless person that I am not, cannot help but cringe in terror and envision a future in which I am a) treated like this or b) dumped like this or, if a) and b) actually happen, having to deal with c) finding some other pearl in this vast ocean of crappy men. I mourn every relationship that ends as if it were my own. No matter how crappy and wrong the relationship was. I am pathetic and dumb. And so I find myself torn between voicing my utter disapproval of these jackasses or protecting the "sanctity" of a relationship so as not to let it out there that some relationships actually don’t work and sometimes end. I have been a good friend so far, but temptation is a bitch!

And it’s too hot. I HATE this heat and what it does to me. *pant*

You have become a bunch of rude fucks.

I love this city to a point of ridiculous. I am almost a fanatic about it. I love going around and feel the need to throw myself at every fountain and column and hug it passionately. I get tingly with excitement every time I see the Colosseum. And don’t even get me started about Piazza Navona. I love its duplicitous nature of ugly ugly and beautiful. And there is much ugly, but beauty trumps it all. All the time. I have been away for a long long time and it took me some time to stop feeling like a stranger, but visually… I am always at home. I am a Rome admirer and proud inhabitant. I brag about being born here and I love sharing this city with the people I love. However…

It pains me to realize how shitty people have become. I hate to generalize, but there is a general aura of suckitude. The rude has multiplied to unseen amounts and the chatty/lovey attitude has decreased exponentially. One thing I noticed in OH, and that scared the pants off of me, was the feeling of entitlement and righteousness everyone had. And in a gun crazy environment like the US, that’s a scary thing. If you trip on someone (which I am known to do frequently) and apologize, very rarely you will be forgiven and forgotten. Nope. The stare of pure hatred, it lingers. That has become the rule in Rome too. There is so much rudeness and so little understanding anymore. It saddens me. I called up a fax repairman today and he was the rudest little bugger I have talked to in a while. You can’t answer the phone with an attitude. Not if you’re running a business. Well, I guess you can, but I’m not going to appreciate your business, fucker. I already have problems controlling my rage, but grrrrrrr. That would piss me off even in a non-altered state.

And now let me get to the main complaint (WHA!?) people driving. Small preamble: I am a firm believer in the teaching power of the honking. I believe that if you’re being an asshat, my honking might bring your attention to what you’re doing, so you can notice and hopefully learn not to do it again. And, my peoplez, that worked. I used the horn, sparingly, and it seemed to make a difference. Until, that is, the righteous bastards started roaming the streets. That’s when the horn stopped working. And my patience wore even thinner. I drive a scooter. I have been driving one since I was 16. That makes … a lot of driving. And, as a scooter driver, you learn to recognize danger more readily than if you drive a car. You develop a sensibility for measures (99% of the time, at least, I did end up squeezing my leg silly last week…). You also honk to signal to the people around you that they’re about to hit you. It’s a life-saver. Except 70% of people ignore your plea. Like today, I am driving along and this woman is double parked and just decides she’s gonna get back into active traffic. She doesn’t look. She doesn’t care. She basically shoves me out of my lane and onto oncoming traffic. I honked 3 times. She did not falter. And this happens at least twice a day. I hope this dumb trend of shitheads winning elections and giving other shitheads even more entitlement to keep being ignorant pricks ends soon. If not for me and my scooter, at least do it for the rest of the world. Let’s bring the power of learning and purposeful honking back into this society.