After Bjork’s disappointment, we have had some pretty awesome luck music-wise. We went to listen to Leonard Cohen on Monday and he was amazing. Despite me being an ignorant fuck, I still knew half the songs he played. I just didn’t know they were his. It was quite the experience. He played for 3 hours and, by the end, we thought he’d never leave. One of the journalists I work with, Cindy, made it over and that made me so very happy. She was unsure about coming, but her love for Leonard Cohen set her straight. Fortunately. While browsing around the official merchandise stand, I picked up his latest book of poetry. I read the following bit:

I miss my mother

I would take her to India

and buy her gold and jewels

And that lil piece, which is certainly misquoted, has stuck with me since. Now I want to buy all his poetry books.

Yesterday we went to “see” Paul Simon. The Auditorium is in an awesome setting, surrounded by trees and very quiet. It makes the best setting to steal soundwaves by. We sat in our preferred spot and soaked up the good music (and he has written quite a lot of it). We were so tired from the previous night, we basically sat like lumps and didn’t do much active participating.

I am so glad we’re off duty tonight. I miss my pajamas and my WoW.

Yesterday Ben and I talked about my crazy and it was nice. I think my problem is that I don’t let my crazy roam free. I don’t vomit out all of my thoughts as soon as I have them. I let them stew and suddenly both the important and the unimportant ones become top priority ALERT ones. And so the rage builds and the fear takes over. He is right when he says 50% of my problems are made up, I have a talent for that, but not being able to share the thoughts and have someone pick at them and hand them back to me labeled is what is ruining my life. Sadly, I haven’t found anyone worth sharing this shit with. I see potential in Cara, hopefully they don’t deport her any time soon.

And, lastly, I leave you with this pearl:

I was riding around yesterday and while stopped at a light a ladybug lands on my arm. I go to flick it off, but soon realize that luck is not something you just flick off. And so I let it ride my arm. And it does so until the next light, where it perks up and flies away. Filled my heart with awwww.

(then of course another bug decides to get wedged between my helmet clasp and my hair and I think I squished it in horror, but I won’t ruin the previous story with this one… )

Sure, we didn’t pay for the ticket, but had we… Oh, I’d be so pissed! The concert was so short and, frankly, not that good. Lesson learned.

On the way home I got to thinking and that’s hardly ever good. We spent the evening with Angela and every time we spend any time together, I leave feeling so depressed. I think the problem is that she has no interest in including me in her new life and I, on the other hand, have no interest in being a part of it. Add to that the fact I have nothing to talk about lately, and that makes up for some pretty shitty time together. I have said this ad nauseam, but I think my relationship with Angela could only exist as a strong, almost exclusive, friendship. These casual encounters, amidst all of her and my social engagements just don’t work. The last four years have deprived me of the pleasure of "bringing it all out". I spent too much time with a man who doesn’t analyze things. Or, if he does, he does it all in his head. I have lost one of my most treasured and most worked upon things: my ability to talk. And I have lost a lot of friends I used to talk to. But those are only innocent bystanders, the real tragedy here is represented by the loss of that part of me. And now the problem has been spotted, commences the hard work. And the reconstruction. Where’s Halliburton when you need it?

It is Thursday and my work week is complete. I am free tomorrow and I fully intend to enjoy the long weekend. I have some running around to do, but that should conclude my endless list of "things I must do, but have been avoiding for the past 8 months". Fear not, a new list is forthcoming and will be properly ignored.

I have been in a foul mood for the past two days. I ignore the cause, but it’s getting old. Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, whether I am or not, that is a completely different matter. I have to make phonecalls for my mother, because no one can understand her on the phone. One call is usually never enough. I grow increasingly frustrated as she adds one thing she forgot to mention. And sometimes I just misunderstand. Either way, I feel horrible for hating the situation. She’s alive and that’s all that matters. Or it would be, if I weren’t so selfish, I guess. And then there’s Ben who doesn’t speak Italian and who, willing or unwilling, has poop for brains when it comes to keeping after things. I assigned him 1 task: fill out our overseas voting registration forms. The entire wellbeing of quite a large country rests in our hands, but that has made no difference so far. The forms are still sitting quietly and nicely next to his keyboard. I am fully aware of how easy it would be to fill out an envelope and send them myself, but I am tired. I might sneak mine out anyway, but oy vey! How does one teach someone to be responsible? Is it because I’m here? Or would he be as useless without me? I love him to tiny bits with sprinkles on top, but there are just things I don’t get. I try to keep him updated on what’s going on, but his filter is too thick for me to get through. And yet, he has the nerve to say I don’t tell him things. Every time. Gah! And when he forgets things that are important to me (dr appts or the such), it just drives me up the wall and makes me feel so alone. It’s this cosmic loneliness that keeps pestering me. Boo!

We went to Massive Attack’s concert last Saturday and it was awesome. I had to shush people left and right, because apparently paying money to see an awesome band is no deterrent to idiots. Three different couples, pissy and annoying, just talking talking talking. I had to get all wench with a vengeance and tell them to shut the heck up. I didn’t get beat up, so yay! On the way out, I got us hopelessly lost trying to find our scooter, but after much walking (and almost being run over by the band), we found it. It was an awesome night. I enjoyed it muchly. Tomorrow we’re sitting outside the Auditorium and listening to Bjork. We already sat outside Sigur Ros and figured out it is as good as having paid crazy amts of money for a ticket. So off we go. And for now off I go.

The test result was a negative! We spent 10 days from hell due to an idiot doctor who talks out of his ass. Once you patch up my ulcer, you wipe the effects anxiety has had on me, I must say the elation that followed hearing the biopsy was a negative was almost worth it. Yesterday was phenomenal. Ben met me for lunch in the center, we had some delicious (and oddly affordable) kaiten sushi and we headed over to my mom’s. I have said this already, but having the two loves of my life together in the same place is the awesomest. Then we went back home, played some hardcore WoW and headed out to Trastevere around 9.30 where we met up with Cara and had some delicious pizza (I am so addicted to this pizza). And then I passed out, because it was an intense week and my sleep had been somewhat troubled.

I am so happy about these results for so many reasons. One of them is that we needed this burst of hope. And we got it! I have thanked all the astral beings and in-flesh beings that have wished us well. A special shout out to you (and you know who you are!).

On this Saturday I foresee much nothingness and that couldn’t make me happier. We’re having dinner at my uncle’s and then maybe heading to the Auditorium to see if we can get an earful of Sigur Ros. I yearn for a shower, some knitting and lots of watermelon. There’s a breeze in Rome today and that is just the cherry on top of this fabulous weekend.

Which one is the serene one again? The one having a meltdown in the corner.

That would’ve been me last night. And this morning. Now I am back to peachy. My mom has asked that I be the one who calls the lab and gets the biopsy results. As Ben aptly put it: "Does she know you at all?". As it turns out, she probably doesn’t. Unless her goal was to keep me awake under the burden of responsibility. All my nightmares involved making the call, not the result. And when I finally did make the call (not in my dreams, but the actual call), I found out they still don’t have the results. Poo! 

I’m 30 minutes away from getting me some delicious pizza and heading on over to my mom’s. Ben is working his precious, saucy butt off, so I’ll take the opportunity to sit and knit with the parental unit. I’ve been working on the same pair of socks for 12 months, so maybe I can actually turn the heel today. Wishful thinking.

Oh! I also get to watch Murder she wrote and Columbo every time I’m at her house and that’s like being 12 all over again. Wonderment. 

I hate how crappy my blog is, I must get on Ben’s precious, saucy butt so he will fix it.  Mmmm… butts.

I am happy. And serene. I have decided that this time around I’m not letting this wait affect me. I had an iffy but what iffy phase, but I am OK now. Go figure!

I am at the end of a 4 day weekend. Today wasn’t so much a day off as a mad race to get so much accomplished. I went to the dr, scheduled a bunch of tests for the 23rd of September (I know, 2 and a half months… However, I’m not paying for them, so it’s all good), then I went to my University and got my degree on fancy paper (almost 6 years to the day later!). I then dropped off some stuff for my mom, went to the bank and finally got home. In a puddle of sweat and accomplishment. I spent the afternoon with my mom. She’s nervous, understandably, I am, shall I restate this, serene, inexplicably. I bought her a DS last week and now she’s brain training all the time. And still knittin like a fiend.

We went to a 4th of July party at the US Embassy at the Holy See and it was fun. If only because I can say I have been to a 4th of July party at the US Embassy at the Holy See. Ben and I sat around and enjoyed the vast array of cardinals. And Gina Lollobrigida. Oh yeah! Gina’s only purpose in life, other than keeping up the hairspray industry, is to remind me of Roberto. I must get to London soon and introduce Ben to the wonder that Roberto is. All these people in my life, such awesome people. I also got back in touch with the guy that sat next to me all throughout my last year of high-school, Giordano. He has made a movie and it has won prizes. I am so proud. We started emailing back and forth and it’s been quite rockingly fun tthinking back to that time in my life. This is the man, for the record and if I have ever used this line on you, that would come back from the bathroom with wet hands, wipe them on me and then say "I apologize, my hand slipped in the toilet". Good good times.

And now I go enjoy my Hooters. On chicken. Yumm! 

I want a baby. I want something mine to hold onto. I’m pretty sure that’s the #1 reason on the "Why you shouldn’t have a baby" list, but I don’t care. It’s another one of those times of awful I could do without. And when those times hit, the feeling of being cosmically alone (or potentially so), becomes unbearable. I love Ben muchly and more than I can explain, but he’s not blood. He’s not required to stick around and might, in fact, not (then I’d have to kill him, but that’s a post for another day). In my moments of zen-like approach to life I can almost deal with the idea of death and the emptiness. I cannot deal with the solitude. And all this thinking doesn’t help anything and is actually distracting from the positive approach I need to maintain.

Oh woe, thoughts come and go. There is no peace for me today.