-That’s half of 28 days and 1/3 of the zombies-

That’s how long I was home alone for. There was a bit of sadness in the beginning, but that soon turned into elation. I love the man I married, but I love the woman I thought I had lost along the way. I am such a heinous bitch, but I love my heinousness and my bitchosity. I love MY time and making (wrong) decisions all by my lonesome. I enjoyed re-finding myself and doing what the heck I pleased. Not that I don’t do that when Ben’s around, but like in every relationship, there is compromising (and sex). For two weeks i went without both.

And I can’t wait to have him back, now that I know I’m fine by myself. I will spend the weekend attached to the man. And sleeping. I need so much sleep. I am waiting for his flight to take off, so I can go to bed and get me some hours of sleep. I’ll try not to oversleep,  but I’ve left him at the airport once (he’ll never make me forget that), so I can’t trust myself. The trick is to not feed the cats, they’ll take care of letting me know it’s time to wake up.

is what I say. And how I feel. I give myself another hour, then I’m gonna start enjoying being home alone. This has been one sickly household this week. Between coughing, high fevers, heavy sweating (and no heavy petting) and blocked airways, we went the whole range of the dreaded flu. I had to take 4 days off work and I am still coughing.

-Much later

So far today I have:

-eaten really crappy soup out of a bag. It was so salty I am still drinking (and bloating, I’m sure)

-done a load of laundry and cleared out the hamper

-done dishes

-taken long, warm shower

-talked to myself outloud WAY more than an adult person should. I find myself including this little commentary whenever I make a move. I have found out I have quite the witty insight on current events between the kitchen and the balcony

-ordered my first delivery kebab. It was good and had mayo in it. Thankfully, I’m a big mayo fan. I rate this place a 6 (and I did so loudly while eating. Really, I am quite amused by the fact I can’t shut up)

-managed to stress out Ben who, upon arrival in PA, had already dismissed me until tomorrow. Kept him on the phone for 40 minutes to show him that’s not how we do it

-made plans (very tentative ones, but still) to hang out with people this weekend.
And now I am off to pop in Some Like it Hot and enjoy me some Marilyn Monroe and Jack Lemmon (and Tony Curtis, I guess). I might even knit. Who knows, the night is young!

I am in such a frenzy. I am on a high from having all this time and only me to decide what to do with it, I keep running around in circles trying to focus and failing. It’s still a lot of fun, regardless.

This year my capital sin of choice has been envy. I have envied like never before. I have turned green and greener with each day. I have neglected the good in my life, to shift focus onto someone else’s life. And not enjoy what I saw. I have hated it, but couldn’t resist. Envy is the perfect complement to any pity party I’ve ever thrown together. It sinks you in deeper, while all the while slapping you in the face.

I’ve envied: thin people, people with a plan, people with a career, people with money, cats that sleep all day, funny people, intelligent people, people who get away with shit, people who have people to rely on, people with big families, people with a lot of friends, people who are loved, people who love with abandon, happy people, thinking people, thought of people, envied people, powerful people, people with more interests than sitting on their ass, creative people, people who grow, people who change, people that have inner peace, people who try harder, people who try at all, people who like other people, people who have fun, people who don’t hold grudges, people who take it in stride. And the list goes on.

This year I’ve learned that being a bitch doesn’t win you any friends. I’ve been hostile and entitled and uncompromising and, quite surprisingly, ended up alone. I still have some entitlement and I haven’t forgiven most, but I vow to keep a more open mind, to give people a second chance.

And yet 2008 was still full of hope and promise and I am so very very happy I got to spend it with a few,  select, awesomely special people. I’ll try to be better in 2009 and hopefully 2009 will be good to me too.

Happy New Year!